started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
