textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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