i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
