im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
