yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
