we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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