Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
