i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
