I want to make a zoo with you.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
