How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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