College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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