someone threw a dead crab at me
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
