So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
