I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
MIDGETS
????
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
