your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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