Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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