just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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