i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
