I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
