i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
