My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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