She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
