question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
