just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
