Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
