I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
