Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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