Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
