woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
