Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
