Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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