dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
All I want is dick and wine.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
