It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
