Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
