i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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