I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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