i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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