I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
