I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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