Don't EVER smell your tampon
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
