His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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