when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm like, not good at living.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
