I wish you could order shots online.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
