You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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