You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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