No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
