She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
