my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
