Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
