well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
