She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
