I am in a vortex of obligation.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize