I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize