it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
