I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
