i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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