you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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