i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
