Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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