Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
